Quid Novum Infernum

This broke my heart, in a goodish way -- Some of you need to know that not everyone is mad at you, not everyone is annoyed by you, not everyone finds your existence a burden. Don’t let the illusions of worry sap you of joy and deep friendship. The world is enriched by your presence in it. — the library haunter 🦉🎃 (@SketchesbyBoze) September 6, 2019 Wish I could ever believe it. Still, what a lovely, thoughtful thing to launch into the world, yes?

The Deluded One -- TDO -- is how I refer to the husband here. I'm not really a "darling husband" sort of person, and the actual nicknames I use are either too sticky for public consumption, too vile for public display, or too unique to stay private (assuming anyone ever reads this). I picked "The Deluded One" because he insists on believing I'm cleverer than he is (demonstrably untrue), brilliant in debate (okay, maybe in occasional flashes), and awesomely talented (nope, not going there).  He thinks I'm cute (oh, no no not, not in any mainstream sense, certainly). He thinks I have good taste (although that one actually reflects well on him, so....). He thinks I'm funny. Well, okay, so do I. Let's hope we're both right about that one. None of which means I am without flaw in his eyes. Ask him, and ye shall be told, occasionally at length, of my numerous and frustrating defects.  And why refer to him at all -- why drag the poor man ...

This article makes such sense to me.  I think there's comfort in believing that we are mostly responsible for the fact and speed and quality of our life changes. This is true if you want change for yourself (all you need is yourself!), and also if you want to see others change (you're off the hook! all they need is themselves!). But our selves -- our characters, skills, attitudes -- are only one dimension of our lives: the social and economic systems we inhabit, our places in them, the security of those places -- these have enormous impact, and are largely impervious to our individual efforts. We need to stop pretending that we can routinely overcome the force and weight of those impacts by an effort of will alone.  It's nonsense, it's damaging, it's exhausting, and it barely budges those systems a micron. It's so noxious, in fact, that we should come up with a stupid, oxy-moronic phrase to sum it up, something that sounds straightforward until you cons...

Maybe you'd understand? Last year (was it just last year?) I was diagnosed with "Major depressive disorder, recurrent severe without psychotic features". Good old F33.2. Note, please, that "without psychotic features" addendum. Phew. What a silver lining. Maybe I was actually already diagnosed years ago; I've been in and out of therapy more times than I can keep track of, and never paid attention to the diagnoses until last year, when I had to submit the insurance billing myself (and don't try to convince me that wasn't a sign of how much my therapist really cared). I'm actually better than I was as a youngster. I can go into public places! I shower almost every day! So if this is severe (and it sucks, oh, it so sucks, don't get me wrong), what the merry hell was it then ? Catastrophic? Is "Stupid Bad" a diagnostic classification? Anyway. Anyway. Right now I have no therapist, can't find one I like, can't afford one an...